I've missed a few days on here because I've had a cold and felt crappy.  I've felt better today so will be going to the gym tomorrow and killing it!  I'm going to do 25mins on the treadmill then all the normal weights (including the abs thing), power plate and then go for a swim.  If it's quiet enough I'll go in the sauna and steam room for a bit.  Should help with a bit of detoxing and maybe do something for my currently abysmal skin. 

I've felt really crap this evening because of the diet.  Today I've had 1 weetabix & rice crispies, an apple, a cup-a-soup and a stir fry with quorn fillets.  I'd say that's about 700cals.  When he was going to bed I REALLY felt like I needed to eat something.  He was giving me a cuddle and I told him how I felt and he said just to keep my eye on the goal.  It's what I tell myself so in a way that's good.  I kinda wish he'd just tell me he loves me the way I look now, that he doesn't want me to be thinner.  On the other hand though, if he said that I'd be less motivated to lose the weight.  I think I've just been recovering from the cold so using up more calories therefore feeling more hungry.  I had a bit of a binge yesterday too so today's low calories should make up for that.  I want to make his lunch again but I know if I start doing that it'll make me even more hungry.  I hate the thought of it but sausage rolls are looking oh-so-appealing!! 

Argh feeling reaalllly faint now so going to finish this quickly then get to bed.  Last time I weighed myself I was 11st 2 (156lbs).  Tomorrow's the next weigh-in day.  I'm already 1lb ahead of my last weigh-in goal so if I stayed the same then I'll be on track but ideally I'd like to have lost another pound.  My first goal is to get to 150lbs/10st 10 by the end of the month so I have 6lbs to lose.  Doesn't sound much but it's almost half a stone and will be the least I've weighed since I got PCOS.  An exciting prospect, but I know it'll be hard work.  Now I'm better I'm going to be hitting the gym as much as possible and trying as hard as I can to stick to the ultra low calorie diet.  I've figured if I give myself one *binge* (not proper binge...like 1200-1500cal) day a week I should be ok and I'll be able to satisfy cravings.  I suppose I need to watch the drinking too.  No point in drinking calories.  But wine's so yummy :-)

Anyway, proud of myself today!  I think something might have clicked :-)  Off to bed now.  Fingers crossed the scale shows me what I want to see tomorrow!

Ok so I had a mini binge after he went to bed (2 rice cakes, a bit of cheese and a crispbread..ok could be worse).  Just wanted to post to say how determined I feel now after looking at some pro-ana sites.  While I don't exactly condone a lot of what they say, it's great for thinspiration :)  So now I'm all pumped up and wanting more than ever to finally reach my target.  I want a flat stomach and thin thighs SO much!!  Little by little..

Another sodding hypo last night.  I actually woke up and my first thought was 'oh for fuck's sake'.  Went to the kitchen and bleurgh.  Must've had about 600cals I think.  Had a bowl of cereal, a banana, peanut butter and jam sandwich...ugh it's just the worst feeling in the world to me when I go hypo and I'm on a diet.  It's impossible to eat sensibly. 

To counteract it I decided to have a fast until this evening.  Had a very strong coffee this morning and then walked instead of taking the bus.  Didn't eat anything all day until about half an hour ago when I had some tomato soup and a crispbread.  Going to have a big salad with one of those fake chicken doodahs for my dinner later on so I shouldn't have had more than about 600cals today.  I'm craving crisps or some other similar carbohydrates.  Think I'll have a cigarette, that should curb my appetite.  I won't make a habit of it.  I've had another cup of strong coffee so I'm hoping once that kicks in I won't be craving anything.  If only I could be on MDMA all the time with no bad side effects, it'd be so easy!! Haha..we can dream.


Soup                               250
Crispbread                    35
Rice cake                       40

Total                                325


I think, even though fasting is easier at times, it's better for my metabolism to have something tiny every hour or so if I'm not eating meals.  Maybe something like a sweet but something with protein would be preferable.  If I had some quorn roast that would be good to cut into little squares.  I'll get one tomorrow if there's time.  Will go to my lecture then the gym.  God I wish I just had a fast metabolism.  Or a friggin overactive thyroid.

Ok so I did a pretty shit job yesterday.  Granted I would have been ok(ish) if it wasn't for the hypo but meh.  I ended up having 2.5 pancakes (probably about 300cals) and then a packet of crisps to try the cajun squirrel ones (strangely nice).  All in all I had about 1650cals yesterday.  That's just a little bit more than the 1000 a day i said i'd have.  Hmph.

Anyway today I woke up and had an apple before my lecture then hit the gym for an hour and a half.  Did 25mins cardio and a lot of good toning exercises so I was happy with that.  Working tonight too so will be out of the way of the kitchen :)   So far today I've had:

Apple                               50
2 rice cakes                   82
2 crispbread                  69
Cheese & salad           90
Chocolate rice cake     62
Crisps                             97

Total                                450

Ooh that's pretty good.  I'm planning on having pasta that's about 250ish cals before I go to work so when I get home I'll have some crisp bread (69cals)  like I did for lunch so that should be about 120cals in total when I get back.  820cals for the day with a big workout.  Should be good if I can manage it!  Should be able to :)

Well I woke up at 3am going hypo.  Typical.  It's SO hard not to stuff yourself when your blood sugar is lolling somewhere around your feet.  I ended up having:

- 1 slice of bread with peanut butter         200
- Small bowl museli                                    180
- Milk                                                               50
- Banana                                                       100
                                                                       530

Overall not the worst result from a hypo but I wish I could've just have been asleep and had normal BMs.  Will lower my insulin before bed now just in case, untl I've figured it out anyway. 

I was working today and was glass collecting (zzzz) so I was walking pretty much non-stop for 3hrs.  Feet hurt afterwards but happy of the exercise :)  Food-wise I've had:

Breakfast:  Banana                                     100
                    Protein shake                          150

Lunch:  Cous cous                                      215
              Melon                                               50

Dinner:  Big salad                                       120
               Light dressing                               60
               Veggie wonderfulness                281

                                                                        976


It's pancake day!  This usually means nothing to me as I can only remember one time that I ever had pancakes on pancake day.  We've got some pancake mix (200cals for 55g or so myplate tells me) so I'm going to let myself have 2 I think (if I like them) with a little bit of ice cream and either banana or raisins if we have any.  I'll make sure I count the calories as best I can anyway. 


Crap.  Haven't done as well today as I thought.  I guess it was the hypo that sent me off track.  If I hadn't have been working I'd have only had the protein shake for breakfast.  Excuses excuses eh?  At the end of the day if I have 7000cals over this week I'll be happy.  I'm working tomorrow night so I'll be alright without a *big* tea.  Will have a light lunch.  Got some yummy rice cakes and crisp breads etc yesterday and lots of salad so got plenty to choose from.  Will go to the gym too after my lecture.  Woop!
 

Ok so I weighed myself this morning and the horrible figure of 11st 5 showed up.  Bleurgh.  Fatty fatty fat fat.  I also measured loads of bits of me too.  Came out with this:

Calf  (widest bit)              14"
Thigh (widest bit)            23"
Bum (middle)                  39"
Hips (by love handles)  37"
Stomach (belly button)  35"
Waist (thinnest bit)         31"
Chest (over boobs)        40"
Arm (level with boob)     12"
Neck                                  13.5"

I tend to lose inches more than weight, at least at first, so I'll re-measure myself every monday and see if there's a change. 

I had Shreddies for breakfast this morning.  I weighed them out so I could make sure I was having exactly the right amount so I could measure the calories.  It's shocking how little the recommended serving size actually is but I feel good having not had much breakfast.  I'm going to have a strong coffee in a minute too.


In other news - why do I get this burning sense of annoyance (jealousy?) when I see he has responded to other people on facebook (or anything else) and not me?  I'm so glad he's not seeing aborto-queen anymore, she makes my blood boil and thinking of him expressing any kind of feeling or affection towards her makes me want to do a bit of a killing spree.  The other one though...hmm.  I think he's seeing the stupid and fake side to her.  She tries WAY too hard.  He still responded to her though and is now apparently trying to work his way back into her arse, so to speak.  Grrrr!!!  If only I ruled the world...



Max allowance: 1000cals

Breakfast:  Shreddies                          200cals
Dinner:  Rice cake                                41cals
               Fake chicken thing                136cals
               Chow mein stir fry sauce     28cals
               Stir fry thin noodles               100cals                Stir fry was yucky so had:
               2 crispbreads & cheese      120cals
               Choc ice                                  150cals

    = 775cals....don't want to have too little too soon so will have a protein drink now just before bed.  All in all  
       good first day!!  

After losing a stone after I got my horse, my weight seemed to stall.  I have started going to the gym at least 3 times a week.  I do about 20-30mins cardio then about 45mins of weights (usually keeping my pulse rate up for at least 15mins of that).  I alternate between focusing on legs and arms but I always do a good bit of work on my abs on the power plate.  I seemed to lose weight and tone up pretty noticably at first but now I think I really need to alter what I'm eating to get full benefit out of it. 

Soo..my reasons for wanting to lose weight are:

• Feel more confident about myself
• Fit into smaller clothes
• Look better in photos
• Feel more confident around him
• Look better for him
• Finally prove to myself I can do it

He's never given me any reason to think he doesn't like the way I look.  Mostly the opposite.  But I know I'd feel so much better about myself and much more confident if I was thinner.  I'm putting in a LOT of work at the gym so it seems like such a waste to come home and veg out.  I think at first I'll limit myself to no more than 1000cals a day for the first week and see how that goes.  I'm going to try and write down everything I eat on here so I can monitor it and hopefully be truthful with myself.  I'll keep that up until I plateau then go onto 700cals or so.  I want to have a few protein shakes every day too, which will be better for me than munching on carbohydrates.  I'm going to try and put some thinspo on here too so it's all in one place for me. 

Last time I weighed myself I was 11st 4lbs  (up from 10st 13 a few weeks ago :(  )

My current goal is back to 10st 13

My medium term goal (2 months) is 10st 5lbs

My long term goal (hopefully) is 10st but that might be a bit low.  I'll see. 

I'm going to measure myself tomorrow too so if I don't lose as much in pounds I can hopefully lose inches. 

All starts when I wake up.  Wish me luck!!